Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Randomize
