new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Randomize
