She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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