haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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