I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
