you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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