eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
