I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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