Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
