I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
