I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
