my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
