Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
