Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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