Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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