it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
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