so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
