She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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