ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
The Olympian is in my bed
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Randomize