So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
