he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
did i just pee glitter
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
