life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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