Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Randomize
