Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
