Swine flu is the new snow day.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
