My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
