as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
