Your mouth is God's brothel.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
