The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Randomize