Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
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