dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Randomize