We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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