I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
My vagina just clenched in fear
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