How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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