I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
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