I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize
