Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
