I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize