sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
