Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
