there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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