why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
