According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
