I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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