Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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