After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
