Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
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