I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Randomize
