We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize