so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
