Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
