I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
