He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
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