Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
When are your genitals available?
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
