im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
you didnt know i had herpes?
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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