if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
this must be what syphilis tastes like
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
