i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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